How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time