How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
men are simple creatures
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.