Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.