Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Me too, bag. Me too….

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that