How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Breaking news:
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”