How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again