Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

✌🏽

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.