How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
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Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
i can’t work under these festive conditions
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
channeling her this year
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline