Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.