Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups