How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
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become ungovernable
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.