How do I get a job writing these texts
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
gm
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT