How do I get a job writing these texts
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Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”