How do I get a job writing these texts
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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Born to be mild.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter