How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Finally
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.