How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
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I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Spa day..😅
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey