How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…