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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.