how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
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I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*