how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Brilliant!
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Are you ok, human???
Brother?
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it