how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
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We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”