how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
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In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
See..?
.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.