Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

How does someone manage that 🤨

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

Oh yeah that’s it

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what