how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
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I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Generation gap…
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Candles never taste the way they smell
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.