Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know