Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee