How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
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Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee