How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
adam and eve had first world problems
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
North and South
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.