How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
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How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long