How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was