Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

💀🤣

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

never compromise your values

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing