How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
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Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Self-cleaning conscience
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
