Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively