How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”