Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

That time Alicia messaged me

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.