How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I need this for my side hustle.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.