How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
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Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Well, this explains it:
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.