How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes