Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Finally a use for spoilers…

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.