Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

Dishonest mechanic?

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house