Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

not for long

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.