How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
You Might Also Like
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
reduce, reuse, recycle
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.