How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
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When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Bed should get ready for ME
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas