Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

Breaking news:

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”