How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Well, this explains it:
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.