How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
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Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.