How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
You Might Also Like
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I wish I could veto my bills.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Um … Hot Wings please
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco