How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]