How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
#NeverForget
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.