How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
One of the best
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Frog purse.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either