How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠