
I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that gravity is at it’s strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.
I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that gravity is at it’s strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.
Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise