@eliserose5

How do I tell a man he loves me?

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@GrillinChillin9

I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that gravity is at it’s strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.

@i_Lean

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

@OrdinaryAlso

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

@TheMichaelRock

Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.

Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!

@emmatheist

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

@SCbchbum

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

@DurtMcHurtt

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

@tararose711

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

@InternetHippo

ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise