How do I tell a man he loves me?

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[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips


Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.


I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.


How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years


Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?


Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.


The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.


I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.