Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table