Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

Friends that check up on you >

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.