Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

What?

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.