How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Basically, any European coat of arms:
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool