How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
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Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
long lost
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!