How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
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For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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