How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
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Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
buying dead houseplants to save time
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
