Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.