Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

This could’ve been an email.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy