How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.