Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am