How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
this was very charming
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.