How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.