How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
an octopus is just a wet spider
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The struggle is real.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.