How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.