How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
You Might Also Like
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My biological clock is wheezing.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
i hope my email finds you on fire
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
me in a relationship:
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE