Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.