All excellent questions
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*