how do lawyers not cry when arguing
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds