how do lawyers not cry when arguing
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Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.