how do lawyers not cry when arguing
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”