How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Breakfast in bed.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
