How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Happy birthday to all the women
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.