them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
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[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
6: are snakes just neck?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.