They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
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Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.