How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD